Currently Online

How do I know if I'm dead?


It’s a pretty good question. Below I’ve provided some signs that may or may not implicate that you have died and gone to the next realm.

You should probably ask “Am I dead?” if …

… you turn on CNN and the breaking news reports that the government has decided there will be “No More Taxes!”

… you wake up, it’s dark outside and the temperature in your house is over 110 degrees

(NOTE: considering the current heat wave in the US, this sign may not be enough to conclusively confirm your demise … it should be seen as a concomitant factor which needs an addition sign to be absolutely conclusive. As it may feel like hell, rest assured you could experience this heat and still be very much alive).

… you don’t need coffee in the morning … or in the afternoon … or in the evening.

… you DON’T feel like a Zombie from both the tryptophan and the carb overload after a Thanksgiving meal.

…. you come home from work and there’s exactly 72 virgins in your house (in which case you’d also realize the Muslims were right).

… you’re laying in a coffin and notice people are filing by you, viewing your body (yes, it happened … except the person it happened to wasn’t dead yet).

…. you look down, and where your feet used to exist, there now exists hooves. Upon looking in the mirror you realize four things: 1.) you are now a cow. 2.) The hindus, etc. are right. 2.) Your previous life must have been pretty decent to earn the esteemed reincarnation position of cowhood … until 4.) you realize you’re not in India, but on a beef farm in Lancaster County.

… you’re walking down a yellow brick road and you see a Jewish guy with twelve of his Jewish buddies standing by some shiny fence work.

… you’re driving down a highway and suddenly enter Paradise, Pennsylvania or, you’re driving in Michigan and enter a little town called “Hell.”

… the whole town is spreading a rumor over Facebook that you’re dead (like the rumor that was spread about my uncle two weeks ago).

… your children are obeying your every command … all the time … before you have to tell them twice.

… you drink an entire 32 oz. slushy in less than a minute and you don’t get at brain freeze.

… Elvis is in your living room.


Are there any other signs that might cause you to question whether or not you’ve passed into the next life?


Add comment

Please no spam. At some point it becomes an issue of diminishing returns.

Security code