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How do I know if I'm dead?


It’s a pretty good question. Below I’ve provided some signs that may or may not implicate that you have died and gone to the next realm.

You should probably ask “Am I dead?” if …

… you turn on CNN and the breaking news reports that the government has decided there will be “No More Taxes!”

… you wake up, it’s dark outside and the temperature in your house is over 110 degrees

(NOTE: considering the current heat wave in the US, this sign may not be enough to conclusively confirm your demise … it should be seen as a concomitant factor which needs an addition sign to be absolutely conclusive. As it may feel like hell, rest assured you could experience this heat and still be very much alive).

… you don’t need coffee in the morning … or in the afternoon … or in the evening.

… you DON’T feel like a Zombie from both the tryptophan and the carb overload after a Thanksgiving meal.

…. you come home from work and there’s exactly 72 virgins in your house (in which case you’d also realize the Muslims were right).

… you’re laying in a coffin and notice people are filing by you, viewing your body (yes, it happened … except the person it happened to wasn’t dead yet).

…. you look down, and where your feet used to exist, there now exists hooves. Upon looking in the mirror you realize four things: 1.) you are now a cow. 2.) The hindus, etc. are right. 2.) Your previous life must have been pretty decent to earn the esteemed reincarnation position of cowhood … until 4.) you realize you’re not in India, but on a beef farm in Lancaster County.

… you’re walking down a yellow brick road and you see a Jewish guy with twelve of his Jewish buddies standing by some shiny fence work.

… you’re driving down a highway and suddenly enter Paradise, Pennsylvania or, you’re driving in Michigan and enter a little town called “Hell.”

… the whole town is spreading a rumor over Facebook that you’re dead (like the rumor that was spread about my uncle two weeks ago).

… your children are obeying your every command … all the time … before you have to tell them twice.

… you drink an entire 32 oz. slushy in less than a minute and you don’t get at brain freeze.

… Elvis is in your living room.


Are there any other signs that might cause you to question whether or not you’ve passed into the next life?

Dead man wakes up inside morgue

South Africa: 'Dead man' wakes up inside morgue


A 50-year-old South African man woke up inside a mortuary over the weekend and screamed to be let out—scaring away attendants who thought he was a ghost.

His family presumed he was dead when they could not wake him on Saturday night and contacted a private morgue in a rural village in the Eastern Cape.

He spent almost 24 hours inside the morgue, the region's health department spokesman told the Sapa news agency.

The two attendants later returned and called for an ambulance.

The man—whose identity has been withheld—was treated in hospital for dehydration.

"Doctors put him under observation and concluded he was stable," Eastern Cape health spokesperson Sizwe Kupelo said.

"He did not need further treatment."

Mr Kupelo said the man woke up at 1700 local time (1500 GMT) on Sunday, demanding to be let out of the chilly morgue in Libode village, frightening the attendants on duty.

"At first the men ran for their lives," said Mr Kupelo.

Officials have urged the public to contact doctors or the emergency services so they can they can pronounce someone dead before calling an undertaker.

"You begin to ask yourself how many other people have died like that in a morgue," said Mr Kupelo.

"We need to [get] the message across to all South Africans that it is very wrong for them to conclude on their own that a person has died," he said.

Real or not, these are fun

Have you ever seen anything like this?

Passing Of Ohio Man Forces Nation To Confront Death For First Time

APRIL 25, 2011 | ISSUE 47•16

MARION, OH—Following the passing of 82-year-old Joseph Howerton Saturday, the American people were, for the very first time, forced to confront the reality that death is an inevitable part of life that one day awaits us all.

Howerton, who has caused all American citizens to be aware of their own mortality.

While sources confirmed that the nation's 311 million residents were aware of death as a basic concept, the demise of Ohio retiree Howerton reportedly marked the first instance in which death became fully real to the U.S. populace, and not simply an abstract idea removed from their own lives.

"When I heard that [Howerton] died, it suddenly occurred to me for the first time that, 'Oh, my God, everybody dies, and once they do, they don’t come back,'" said Philadelphia real estate agent Tom Marsh, 52, describing a reaction shared by every other person in the country within hours of the news that Howerton had passed away. "Sure, I'd heard about people dying and seen it in movies and books and stuff, but I never had to come to grips with it until now."

"We're all going to end up like Joseph Howerton," concurred Phoenix-area factory worker Tami Weiss, 31, shaking her head slowly in apparent shock. "My parents, my friends, everyone. Even me."

Since Howerton's death from complications related to pneumonia, millions of people in all 50 states have reportedly spent hours "wrapping [their heads] around" the notion of life's impermanence, with more than 60 percent of all Americans vowing to cherish and appreciate their living friends and relatives with greater frequency, and 85 percent lying awake at night pondering the certitude and finality of death with mounting anxiety.

Most American media organizations struggled with how to portray Howerton's death.

Although sources said the nation's entire citizenry had confronted death firsthand to a much lesser degree in 2001 following the death of St. Cloud, MN house cat Boots, nothing had prepared the population for the level of existential awareness that comes when an actual human being dies.

Americans also noted that they were very young when their grandfathers died so they didn't really have to deal with it then.

"It's like, one minute Joseph Howerton was there, and the next minute he literally just didn’t exist anymore," said noted author Cormac McCarthy, who needed at least three days to fully process the fact that the 82-year-old's death was a normal and natural occurrence in life. "His body was still there, but his actual spirit or soul or whatever was just gone, forever. It just—it's blowing me away."

In response to America’s growing comprehension of mortality as an inescapable fact of life, Congress plans to form a number of special committees this week that will spend long hours pondering Howerton's death, estimating how many years their own respective relatives have left to live, and coming to grips with how these deaths might affect them when they finally do occur.

President Obama also emerged from a two-day period of quiet introspection to speak on Howerton's death early Monday.

Four of the 308 million Americans who faced mortality for the first time following Howerton's death.

"Obviously, we went through this a little bit when Mary Greer of Twin Falls, ID passed away, but we weren't really that close to her, so this is different," the president said in a nine-hour-long address delivered at 3 a.m. last night. "It's just sort of a mind-fuck to think that everything dies and really none of us means anything in the grand scheme of things, because eventually we'll all be completely forgotten. So, in a way, it’s almost like all that matters is this moment right now, because everything in the past gets forgotten, and we all have only a short time to live in the future, so it's all just completely, I don't know, temporary or something."

"Do you know what I mean?" Obama asked the nation.

At press time, all 311 million Americans were quietly asking a friend or relative if they knew of someone they could talk to about this.

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